And You're Never Coming Home Again
by naughty-nun
Summary: Addison at the night when Derek left NY for Seattle, angsty. Addek.
1. And You're Never Coming Home Again

**Summary:** Addison at the night Derek left, her feelings and memories of the brownstone.

**Disclaimer:** Do I look like freakin' Shonda Rhimes? No? Well than clearly I own nothing

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_By my side, you'll never be.  
By my side, you'll never be.  
Cause I'm fake at the seams,  
I'm lost in my dreams._

'I need to get out of here'

That was all that went trough Addison's head when she saw her husband walking out of the door two hours ago, not sure if she would ever see him again.

She walked lost through her house, not sure what to take with her, not sure what she was looking for.

She stood in the kitchen, they've been there together so many times.

Everyday they would eat breakfast here together, talking about their plans for the day between the 'Can I have the milk?' and the 'Are you finished with the newspaper?' conversation. Every morning it was like that until a year ago, when Derek became absent and she'd spent nearly every breakfast alone.

_& I want you to know,  
That I can't let you go._

She walked out of the kitchen into the living room, stopping when she walked past the fireplace and looked at the pictures.

The pictures of the good times, the times where everything was still sunshine and paradise.

She picked up a picture that always made her smile, it was a picture of her, Derek and Mark when they graduated med-school. Derek had Addison scooped up in his arms and Mark had a grin plastered to his face, they were so happy there.

She put the picture back and picked up another one. This one was one of her and Derek, it was on her 26th birthday, Derek stood behind Addison and had his arms wrapped around her waist while she blew out the candles of her birthday cake, every year she had an amazing birthday. Not because of the big party, the beautiful decorated house or the presents, no because all her friends and family were there and most importantly the love of her life but all of that has change the last couple of years, Derek forgot holidays, anniversaries and birthdays

She picked up another picture, this one has always been her favorite

This one was made on Christmas '92, the night Derek purposed to Addison.

In the picture Addison sat in Derek's lap, mirroring his position and they were both smiling of the eskimo kiss Addison gave him.

In that time Derek still looked at her with his eyes full of adoration, his kisses full of passion and love. But not anymore he doesn't look at her anymore and only kisses her out of habit, only on her cheek.

She held the frame in her hands for a couple of seconds until she realized there won't be any happy moments again and she throws the picture into the wall and stares at the chattered frame on the floor, that's just how she felt…chattered.

_I wanted to tell you I'd changed.  
I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time.  
But I see you, you see me,  
Differently.  
I see you, you see me,  
Differently.  
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again... _

Addison opened the front door bare foot, clad in only one of Derek's t-shirts.

She stood there, on the front steps, she took one last glance at their house, knowing that this would be the last time. The house they shared so much memories in, the good and the bad but no matter what they always shared those memories together

Until now, she knew that her sleeping with his best friend would be their last memory.

At these doorsteps it began all and at these very same doorsteps, it also ended

_  
& I want you to know,  
That I can't let you go._

She needed to get away, too much feelings, too much memories it was all much too much.

She ran down the street, no idea were she was going but she had to run, she was sure that if she just kept running at one moment all the feelings would disappear and the memories would be forgotten.

_  
__By my side, you'll never be.  
By my side, you'll never be._

She finally reached the end of the street but kept on running.

She was sure if she kept on running it'll all go away, that she'd wake up from a horrible dream.

And she did, until something hit her and it all went black, she would never wake up from that horrible dream and she didn't even want to anymore.

_And you're never coming home again,  
And you're never coming home again._

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So yeah, looks like Addi died huh, but did she? Hmm maybe I can write another chapter were some random neurosurgeon needs to operate on her...it's up to you!

Thank for reading & please review! D

_**Lyrics are by: Unkle Bob - Swans**_


	2. I Thought You Were My Fairytale

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed to the first chapter, I just discovered I added this chapter to the wrong story which I have another update for so I kinda swapped them :-p**

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_I thought you were my fairytale_

_A dream when I'm not sleeping_

_A wish upon a star,_

_That's coming true_

_But everybody else could tell,_

_That I confused my feelings with the truth_

_When there was me and you…_

She lay on the street for what felt like hours but was only 7 minutes in reality before an ambulance arrived.

Addison could hear someone was talking to her but she didn't know what he was saying.

She expected pain but didn't feel anything.

She wanted to say something, that she was okay and wasn't in pain but she couldn't say anything, she couldn't move, she couldn't even open her eyes.

Addison felt powerless and started to panic but no one would notice since she couldn't say anything or move.

_I'm only left with used-to-be's_

_And once upon a song…_

She had no idea what was happening was she still on the street? Was she in an ambulance? Was she in a hospital? She had no idea but all she could think of that she needed to see Derek one last time, tell him that she was sorry and that she'll love him whatever happens, whatever he did, what ever she did…

That was the last thing she thought of before she fell in a deep deep sleep not sure if she'll ever wake up from it.

_I swore I knew the melody_

_That I heard you singing_

_And when you smiled _

_You made me feel_

_Like I could sing along_

_But then you went and changed the words_

_Now my heart is empty_

Derek stood in the ER, performing brain surgery on an 87 year old man who had a very little chance at survive when a nurse walked into the OR

"Dr.Shepherd I'm sorry but there has been a request for you, you have to follow me immediately''

"I'm sorry but I'm busy right now, I'm sure Dr.Servall can take care of that'' Derek said easily

"It's personal'' she said

"Dr.Carnel take over'' Derek said immediately as he put down the scalpel and left the OR.

_I can't believe that_

_I could be so blind_

_It's like you were floating_

_While I was falling_

_And I didn't mind_

He followed the nurse into another OR and that's when he saw her…

He took a step back when he realized who it was, it was his red headed wife, his best friend, the love of his life who he left out in the cold this very same night.

And now she was lying on the table, her body motionless and pale.

He walked closer even though he didn't want to, he didn't want to be sure it was Addison.

He now stood in front of her, surgeons and nurses staring at him, waiting to start operate but he didn't care.

Her face was full of blood and her body he once liked to hold so badly was full of injuries and bruises.

_Cause I liked the view_

_Thought you felt it too_

_When there was me and you_

"What happened?" he softly whispered to no one in particular

"The driver said she ran on the street, he couldn't stop in time" the nurse answered

"Why was she running down the street?" he said softly again, hoping that Addison would wake up to tell him herself

"We don't know yet but apparently she was running hard and she was barefoot"

"Barefoot? She was running over the street in the middle of the night in the rain barefoot?" Derek asked unbelieving, this wasn't something his Addi did, but maybe she wasn't his Addi anymore, yes he was still incredibly mad at her for sleeping with his best friend but how could he hate her when she was like this?

"Yes and she clad in only a Columbia college t-shirt"

The t-shirt…that was his once until Addi 'stole' it to sleep in it but the last year she wore it more often, he'd notice it whenever he came home late again and she was asleep on the couch.

"Dr.Shepherd we need to operate on her, I'm sorry but you have to go"

"Okay I'm going to watch in the gallery then" he said after a couple of seconds

"I'm sorry but that's not allowed"

"Damnit my wife just got hit by a car and lies here unconsciousness on your freakin table, I AM allowed to watch in the gallery!" he screamed to the surgeon

"No you can stay in the waiting room you're not the performing surgeon here and above all you're family it's illegal"

Derek walked towards the door knowing that the surgeon was right, she was still his family even after what he did. He started to question himself if he didn't leave to fast, of course he had all the right to be angry but she was still his wife no matter what.

_I swore I knew the melody,_

_That I heard you singing_

_And when you smiled _

_You made me feel_

_Like I could sing along_

_But then you went and changed the words_

_Now my heart is empty…_

After 4 hours Derek still sat in the waiting room, his head buried in his hands, wondering how it could get this far…that he only noticed and cared for her when she was half death on a table.

"Dr.Shepherd?"

_Now__ I know you're not a fairytale_

_And dreams were meant for sleeping_

_And wishes on a star, _

_Just don't come true_

_Cause now even I can tell, _

_That I confused my feelings with the truth_

_Because I liked the view_

_When there was me and you._

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**Well there's at least one more chapter after this, maybe even more...who knows**

**Thanks for reading and please review! D**


	3. Without You

So this is the last chapter... -cries-

I want to thank everyone who reviewed to this story, your reviews meant a lot to me and I love that people actually took the time to read this, I hope you liked it! ♥

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Last time: 

_After 4 hours Derek still sat in the waiting room, his head buried in his hands, wondering how it could get this far…that he only noticed and cared for her when she was half death on a table._

"_Dr. Shepherd?"_

**Without you**

**Have I been blind?  
For the first in my life  
I feel I've opened up my eyes  
since you have arrived  
like an angel from the sky  
I am on a spiritual high**

"Yes?" Derek answered the scrub nurse hoarsely

"She's out of surgery"

"She's going to be okay, I mean she's not okay now but she's going to be, at least we hope" the young nurse rambled, not sure what to tell him and he could notice that she was pretty new here

"Can I uhm…see her?" he nervously asked

"I'm not sure Dr. Shepherd" she answered honestly "She's in a bad condition and I don't know if you're allowed to see her"

"Not aloud to see her?!" Derek yelled, feeling the anger rise in him

"Please Dr. Shepherd stay calm, I'm going to check with the threading doctor"

"Okay then" he answered, knowing that he would go anyway.

After 15 minutes the same scrub nurse walked into the waiting room again.

"Dr. Shepherd, your wife's doctor, Dr. Lawrence would like to wait for a few hours until she's awake so she can decide for herself'' she informed him

"What do you mean decide for herself?" Derek asked confused as he rose out of his chair, making the magazine that he tried to read with no success fall out of his lap onto the ground

"Please understand me, your wife was running down the street in the middle of the night" the nurse said more informal now "We'd like to talk to her when she's awake and we're not sure if she wants you there" she sighed and pulled him back down to his chair and sat next to him

**So don't you ever go away  
I could never face  
Losing you would kill my faith in a higher place**

"Do you know why she did that?" she asked him softly after a few minutes

"What makes you think I do?"

"Because I can see you feel guilty"

"Well maybe I'm just worried about my wife…" Derek said to her annoyed

"I don't doubt that"

"Good" he spat back

"Listen Dr. Shepherd…"

"You can call me Derek" he said a little softer now, knowing that the nurse didn't do this on purpose and was actually taking the time to sit with him, making sure he was okay

"Okay Derek you can call me Brianna" the blonde smiled at him

"Okay" he smiled back "Brianna, can you please find a way for me to see Addison" he said now serious, grabbing her hands

"Derek…" she sighed

"I know I know, it's not your call but I need to talk to her okay, something did happened and you're right I know pretty sure what the reason was and that's why I have to talk to her"

"I'm sorry I can't let you do that, Dr. Lawrence wants her to make her own decision"

"No then she doesn't want to see me okay, Brianna I need to see her and if you're not letting me I will go anyway" Derek pleaded with the young girl who obviously had no clue what to do

"Okay then, but I have nothing to do with this"

"It was my own idea" he reassured her_  
_

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_**What kind of world would it be without you?  
I couldn't breath without you here  
What kind of world would I see without you?  
I can't dream without you here  
**

'I wonder what she looks like. Do I even want to see her right now?'

'Okay Derek you go inside here and tell her exactly what you think' he thought before he grabbed the doorknob.

He stood in doorway and stopped in his tracks.

There she lied, tubes everywhere, tubes that went in and out of her body.

And her face, the face he used to place kisses all over was now full of scratches and there was a big gash on the right side of her forehead, and he was sure that under the covers, there'd be much more damage for him to see

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_**Beautiful boy,  
How on earth did I do something worth deserving you?  
My better half  
How I cherish through and through every part of you  
I do!  
**

He carefully walked over to the bed, taking her presence in.

He forgot how good it was to have her around, to be with her; in fact he noticed he didn't realize how good it felt to be with her for a long time.

He sat on the chair next to her bed and picked up her hand, he slowly intertwined their fingers, making sure not to touch the IV which stuck in her hand.

"It's going to be okay Addie, I promise, I know that this is always said but it's true" he talked to a sleeping Addison, knowing that it'd be easier to talk to her while she was asleep and couldn't response to him

"It's all going to be okay…" Derek repeated again, kissing her hand while trying to blink away the tears in his watery eyes

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_**Loving you has made me whole now I belong**_**  
**_**I found my home  
Promise me we'll always stay,  
The way we are today**

_**  
**_

"Hey" He softly said smiling when he saw that she was opening her eyes

"Hi" She said back equally soft and somewhat surprised, surprised that he was here, surprised that their fingers were intertwined

"How're you feeling now?" Derek asked smiling, happy to see those big green eyes he loved so much

"Honestly? I don't know" she answered truthfully, happy and confused at the same time

**What kind of world would it be without**** you?  
I couldn't breath without you here  
What kind of world would I see without you?  
I can't dream without you here**

"Derek?" she asked after a long pause of silence, neither of them saying anything. Derek just kept smiling at her and gave her hand a soft squeeze every once in a while and she just stared at her feet

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Why are…why are you here?" Addison asked him softly, looking up at him, not sure what answer she'd get

"Because I love you Addi" he answered, tilting his head he stroked her hair with his free hand, he leaned forward and kissed the top of her head

She softly gasped at this, not really believing he was here with her, telling her he loves her

"You haven't said that in a long time…"

"I know, you have no idea how much I regret that Addie" Derek said sighing

"Derek why are you doing this?" she asked unbelieving, she wanted to yell at him, ask him if he forgot that she fucked his best friend the day before, but she couldn't say it out loud, scared that he'd go away

"Because I love you sweetie, what you did was horrible and shocking for me but it's not unforgivable. Yes I didn't forgive you yet but you're hurt and you need me. I haven't been there in a long time for you and I wish I didn't do that but I can tell you one thing, I've been thinking here while I was waiting for you to come out of surgery and I decided that I can't change the past but I can learn of my mistakes and never make them again" he said and although he was clearly rambling he meant every word of it

**I can't ever imagine, if this never had happened  
I thank God every day  
Almost lost you forever, but now I'll always remember  
That you're my saving grace!  
**

"I'm so sorry" she said after his little speech and suddenly broke into a series of sobs

"It's okay baby, I will forgive you, we're going to talk about this later and then I'll forgive you but we won't talk about it now, okay?" Derek asked her as he climbed onto the bed, and lied next to her, making sure he wasn't touching one of the many tubes and IV's

"Okay" Addison answered, finally smiling a little

"Oh look who can smile there" he said teasing

"Shut up" she said smiling even more

"Oh look at that pretty smile there!"

"I love you Derek" she said, touching the hand which was touching her face

"I love you too Addi, always did and always will" he said and leaned in to kiss her, cause he did truly love her and she would go home with him and everything was going to be okay, truly okay...

**What kind of world would it be without you?  
I couldn't breath without you here  
What kind of world would I see without you?  
I can't dream without you here…**

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**THANK YOU EVERYONE!! **♡♡


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